The urge to hear something good

I am having this weird urge to hear something good. I am feeling like someone should say something good to me like ” I wish you get all the happiness in the world ” or “I hope you get what you want” or ” you’ll get there soon, hold on”.

So, decided to talk to myself.

Dear me,

I love you. I wish you get everything you have been wishing for soon. I know you have gone through a lot all alone. Everyone can see when a person is drowning in an ocean, they can run to help them. No one can see when, a person is drowning in his negative automatic thoughts. Hence, no one comes to help. Everything is calm on the surface, but deep down you struggle with all the unseen demons. The battle with self is the hardest. You win sometimes and sometimes you lose. And that’s okay. Keep up the good work. You are strong, lovable, confident, worthy and full of hope.

Don’t forget to love yourself even when nobody seems to love you. Don’t forget to forgive yourself even when you think the mistake you committed is not forgivable or irreversible. Have mercy on yourself because people are not going to have mercy on you. Do whatever makes you happy because you don’t get to blame others for your sadness.

And remember I am there for you always. I’ll love you in all your goods and bads. I accept you with all your goodness, broken pieces, flaws and mood swings.

Love

XOXO

Me

New year resolution

Huh! So I gathered some guts and decided to make a new year resolution. Well, this is not my cup of tea (I drink coffee. Funny? No? Okay). Anyway, let’s move on, my new year’s resolution is to write for 100 days. Straight. I mean I have decided to write everyday for 100 days. And also if that works I have another plan to write everyday.

I am doing this because I want to be a writer and not waiter. I don’t want to wait for inspiration to hit me to write. I want to become a routine writer.

Hope this works.

So, today I am done with the first day of writing.

Good work dear me.

Keep it up.

All the best.

Love

XOXO

SHAHEEN

Episode 10

Shaheen spends hours on internet searching for a good believable excuse to step out. She was browsing while doing everything. She was browsing while putting laundry in the washing machine and forgot to close its door. Machine fired the water in Shaheen’s face and there was water everywhere on the floor. Shaheen switched off the machine and ran to grab a cleaning cloth, while doing so she slipped and almost fell on the floor. She was browsing while she was dusting the house. They had the broom which is used to dust the floor.They used to use the same broom to dust walls and ceiling. Shaheen dusted the walls, corners  and ceiling of the living room, now it was fan’s turn to get cleaned but guess what? Shaheen forgot to switch off the fan! Shaheen stood on the chair, raised the broom, as soon as the broom touched the fan, the broom flew across the room. Poor Asif saved himself just in time from the attack of the broom. He ran back to the bedroom. 

Shaheen saw that and widened her eyes but decided to ignore. Shaheen was still browsing while preparing lunch. Shaheen put garlic, ginger, onions and tomatoes in the grinder and turned and pressed the button without putting on the vessel’s lid. Ingredients of the curry were everywhere in the kitchen including Shaheen’s face. Garlic had hit her forehead as if slapping her for her absent mindedness. 

After hours of browsing Shaheen ended up finding nothing! She was now frustrated and disappointed. She knew now she has to come up with something by her own. Shaheen sat on her bed and grabbed her bag and opened it. She started seeing into it like she was searching an excuse in there. She didn’t find anything. She looked around. She flipped through her books and files, picked up and down things on her table, scanned her room with her eyes. Her eyes fell on her ID card. An idea stroke her, she could tell her mom that she is going to the hospital because they are running out of the staff. It was the most believable thing she could have thought of because it was everyday on the news how number of medical staff is falling short day by day. Not only that but also it was a good reason to argue with her mom. She could tell her mom even if she had left her job she has to rejoin for a genuine reason. This idea can’t fail she thought. 

At night Shaheen decided to tell her mother that she’ll go to the hospital tomorrow. Shaheen went to her mother and said, 

“I am going to go to the hospital tomorrow “

“what? “

“I am going to go to the hospital tomorrow “

” I heard that stupid. I mean why? “

“Because I need to leave this house”, Shaheen whispered. 

“Say that out loud”, said her mother. 

“Because I need to leave this house, take the scooty and to go to the hospital and park it in the parking lot… “

“and take off the key, walk with your legs, enter the hospital. Stupid girl. You know what you are saying, right?”, interrupted her mother.

“Medical staff is running out of hospital. Me need them there. Go I got go to”, Shaheen uttered breathlessly. 

Mother stared at Shaheen with a question mark on her face.

Shaheen( having no clue what she just said) didn’t get why her mother was starting at her. 

“What? You want me to reply to whatever you just said? “, asked her mother. 

Shaheen nodded. She sighed and said, 

” I need to go to the hospital tomorrow. The hospital is running out of medical staff. I am going to the hospital tomorrow “.

“Oh. You remember why you left that job, right?”

” I didn’t leave that job. You made me leave that job. In this pandemic, they need me back. I am going.”

“It’s darn pandemic. Your darn job is of lesser value than our lives. If you go don’t come back ever again”

“Ameen” 

“What?”

“Nothing”, Shaheen said.

Shaheen went to her bedroom, locked the door and sighed. She was relieved. First step of the mission was accomplished. Now, all she had to do is wait for the dawn. 

Shaheen couldn’t sleep that night. She was thinking where will she go ? and how will she manage things? She was confused if she should tell Malini ma’am about this or not. How will she react? Will she be angry of Shaheen’s decision? Shaheen couldn’t decide. She spent whole night tossing and turning in her bed. 

Next day , Shaheen woke up for her Fajr Salah before her alarm could go off. Shaheen didn’t waste a second in bed. She went straight to washroom, made ablution and offered her prayer. 

Shaheen was all set to go. She was happy a little and also a little nervous. She ate her breakfast. She took her bag and she was about to step out when Asif saw her. 

“Where are you going?”, Asif asked. 

“Hospital “, Shaheen replied. 

“I’ll  tell mom”, Asif smirked. 

“I already told her”

Asif was stunned when Shaheen said that. Asif never saw Shaheen that fearless before. That’s probably because Asif never saw Shaheen when she used to be fearless all the time. 

When Shaheen was 13 years old, one night she had ran away from her house. That night Shaheen sneaked out of her house with some money and her school bag pack. She went to the Railway Station and got herself a ticket to her grandfather’s place. i

Shaheen waited for the last train to her grandfather’s place. It was 2:30 am. The train arrives at 2:45 and will leave the platform at 3 am. (

Shaheen boards on the train and begins to search for her birth. She walks taking a look at every birth’s number. She finds hers. It’s an upper birth. She climbs up using the side ladder. She place her bag-pack on the side of the window and rests her head on it. There is no fear in her head but only instructions her dad would give everytime they travel. 

Don’t talk to strangers. Don’t take anything from strangers, especially food items. Don’t leave your bag. Be aware of your surroundings. Don’t be lost in yourself. If you get lost, go to police and call me or your mom. Don’t be scared.

Don’t be scared 

D o n’t  b e  s c a r e d

Her thoughts makes her sleepy. She almost closed her eyes, when she sees a man, who looks like in his late thirties, takes the empty birth in opposite of hers. That guy is staring at her. Shaheen notices it and finds it fishy. Shaheen thought she needs to do something. She opens her bag and takes out her ear phones. She keeps the wire of the ear phones inside the bag and begins to pretend that she is talking to her dad. 

“Hello dad. I can’t find my water bottle. Do you have it?”, says Shaheen. 

“Okay. I am coming to take it”, says Shaheen and climbs down the ladder. 

The guy takes his eyes off her. Shaheen goes to the next coach. There she takes out her water bottle and comes back to her coach. She wants to show the stranger that she is not alone and her father is in the train as well. But she didn’t think it might trigger a thought (why her father isn’t in the same coach with her) in the stranger’s mind. She is holding the water bottle in her hand just for the stranger to see. 

She gets back to her birth and throws her back on it. She is scared but decides not to show it. The man now looks busy with his phone. He calls someone and looks in his phone talks and again looks in his phone. At one moment Shaheen thought he clicked her pictures. But then she swayed away this thought thinking she was just over-scrutinizing. Soon she falls asleep. 

Next morning when Shaheen is still asleep the man decides to wake her up. He gets down.

“Shaheen”, He calls out looking at Shaheen.” Shaheen, get up”.

Shaheen doesn’t respond. She is deep asleep. 

“Shaheen, get up. You’ll miss the junction “, he says shaking Shaheen’s hand. 

Shaheen gets up startled and punches him right in the nose. Her mind had made her go through every possible way in which the man could harm her and how she should tackle it. She had practiced that punch in her mind several times before going to sleep. Her subconscious mind only followed the instructions and set her body in action when the man touched her. The punch was hard enough to make him numb for several moments. Without wasting a moment she grabbed her bag pack and hurried to get down. There were only a few people in the coach. 

“Stop her”, the man shouted. “Shaheen stop”

Did he just call out her name? Shaheen thought. Shaheen froze for a second and began running the other. Even if he knew her she doesn’t know him and that’s enough of a reason to run right now. 

A hand got hold of her bag pack. Everyone in the coach was puzzled. The man who held Shaheen’s bag pack was now holding her arm. He thought Shaheen was a robber. The man whom Shaheen had punched, came to her and thanked the man.

“Shaheen. Dear. I just want to help you. I informed your father last time”, he said. 

It was difficult to convince Shaheen that he wasn’t lying, but before that they needed to get down or else with them everyone else too would miss the junction. While three of them were trying to flirt down Shaheen struggled to get her hand out of the man’s grip. They got down on the railway platform. Shaheen hadn’t given up on freeing her arm, she raised her other hand to punch the man in his ribs. The other man caught her hand. 

“Help me. Somebody help. They are kidnapping me”, Shaheen shouted. 

Both the men looked at her with surprise. 

“Help me, please”, Shaheen shouted again. 

Two policemen came running towards them. The person hold her arm let go of her and stepped back. 

“This girl is a trouble man”, he said to the other man. 

“What’s going on here? “, a police man asked. 

“Sir, this man is after me”, Shaheen said pointing to the man she had punched. 

“What’s with you man? “, the policeman asked the man. 

“Sir, she is lying. I am her father’s friend. She has run away from her home. His dad asked me to take care of her”, the man explained. 

“This story is new”, said the policeman puzzled. “Tell us dear, you ran away from your home? “

“No, he is lying”, Shaheen said and began to run. 

The other policeman got hold of her quickly. 

“We need to get to the office. Come on”, said the policeman. 

In the office

“So, what’s your name girl?”, asked the policeman. 

“Shaheen”, Shaheen replied quietly. 

“And you are her father’s friend? Call him”, commanded the policeman. 

“Okay”, the man replied. 

“Wait. What’s your name?”, the policeman asked before he could make a call. 

“Ahmed. Ahmed Khan. I am her father’s childhood friend. We never met and therefore she doesn’t recognize me. I live here. My friend lives in  (Name the city). I visited my friend yesterday. There I saw her pics in the album… “

“Okay, okay”, the policeman interrupted. ” Give me your phone “

“Why? “

“just give me”

“Here “, he said offering his phone to the policeman. 

“So, Shaheen tell me your dad’s number”

“Don’t call him”, said Shaheen in a shaky voice.

“You don’t wanna get in more trouble, do you? Just tell me the number”

Shaheen took a deep breath and uttered,”99205…”

“Shaheed? Your dad’s name is Shaheed? “, the policeman asked looking at the name in the contacts. 

“Yes”

“I see. It seems he isn’t lying. Let me confirm “, he said and pressed the dial button. Yeah remember those phones we had in 2000’s. Cell phone with buttons! I mean button keypads, of course. And if you don’t, let me tell you, cellphone with buttons existed  once and they still do for some. 

Okay now back to the story. 

The phone rang. 

“Hi. Ammu. Where’s Shaheen? “,Shaheen’s dad, Shaheed Shaikh answered the call. 

“Hello Mr. Shaheed. I am Head Constable, Rajiv Kumar from (name of their home town) junction Railway Station. Your daughter Shaheen is with us. She is safe, don’t worry”, the policeman replied politely. “Is Mr. Ahmed khan your friend? “

“Yes. He is my childhood friend. We are from same town, (name of their home town). Is everything okay? “

“Well, I guess it’s not”

“I am sorry sir. I know she ran away. My friend had informed me and I am grateful of that coincidence that my friend boarded the same train and in fact the same coach as my daughter’s. I requested him to take care of her. I didn’t bother much because he was there”

“Well,  sir you need to come and get your daughter from here. She is not someone who listens to anyone”

“Yeah.You can send her with my friend. I trust him”

” But I doubt if your daughter thinks the same. You need to come here”

“I…I can’t. There is a problem. But I can send my brother. He lives there, in the town. It shouldn’t be a problem”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’ll talk to him and send you his number”

“okay “

“And thanks a lot sir”

“it’s okay “

All this time, Shaheen was standing still with her head hanging.She was caught. She was embarrassed. 

She was bitting her upper lip and taking slowly long breathes. 

After an hour Shaheen’s uncle and grandpa arrived at the office. 

“Grandpa”, suddenly Shaheen’s eyes brightened up.

 She hugged her grandpa. He hugged her lightly with his strong arms. He made sure he didn’t squeeze her. 

“What’s the matter? “, Shaheen’s uncle spoke to the policeman. 

“Shaheen can explain us that, once we get home”, grandpa said. 

Shaheen’s grandpa was an ex military man. He was very well known in that small town. The policeman didn’t argue back and let him take Shaheen. 

They are good at stressing themselves along with others

People are weird. They are so good at stressing out. And some people have this unique talent of stressing out their ownselves and people around them. I mean come on, you don’t have to form a never ending chain of stress. Example of such is like the first tiles of a domino game or like a lit candle which used to lit other candles.

Imagine a person is stressed because you are in trouble. The person loves you and therefore worried about you. He is making you more worried about your problem than you actually are. Or imagine a person who is in trouble and is very worried and makes you worried as well by creating more than necessary drama. There is a need to put such people on hold. Here is an example for a better understanding, imagine you are in the kitchen doing dishes, and someone from the living room tells you to do dishes. They can’t see you but you guys can hear each other. So, they are shouting at you to do dishes, but you are already doing it. You can already imagine how your blood pressure will rise and you’ll want to stop doing the dishes. They are frustrated because they think dishes aren’t done and therefore they are shouting at you, and making you mad. So, you see this ? They just transferred their stress to you. Now, both of you are stressed!

When I face such people I get stressed and I have no clue what to do. So all I do is wait for them to calm down, and tell them once or twice at the max that I am alright and you don’t have to worry about me. I tell them once that they are worrying unnecessarily. I just do it once. But it doesn’t work most of the times. When I face such situation again with the same person I do what I am good at that is “ignore”. That’s the ultimate solution. I hope to find an alternative soon though.

“Perfect or nothing” is a stupid mentality: OCD

I was the kind of a person who used to believe, either I should do it perfectly or I shouldn’t touch it at all. If I was to paint something I wanted to do it without doing any mistakes, without smudging the paint, without getting my hands dirty, without changing the plan in the middle etc and if I used to make any mistakes I used to stop working on the painting right away. I used to get frustrated, I used to under go a mini depression. I used to keep thinking about how to paint and plan it out perfectly. I never used to begin painting unless I had a clear vision and a perfect plan. I used go crazy, man.

I wanted everything to be perfect. Everything I do should be perfect or else it will become worthless, that’s what I used to think. I used to feel I need to keep my hands clean while painting therefore I used to keep washing my hands. Then, one day I read about OCD ( obsessive compulsive disorder). I gave it a thought and I realized that I sort of have symptoms of OCD. I realized I need to help myself. I researched, watched videos and educated myself on OCD. I came to know that it’s self diagnosable and I can help myself if I am at its early stages. According to me I was on the first step of OCD and thank God that I came to know about it earlier.

It was now time to do something about it. I decided that I’ll stop going crazy about not being perfect. I started leaving paintings incomplete, leaving things messy, letting my hands stay dirty while painting,keeping things disordered. I stopped bothering to clean up, to keep my notebooks clean, to perfectly match eyeliners of both the eyes. I stopped caring to perfectly border my lips and fill in without smudging, correcting people’s english grammar or their spoken-english pronunciation.I just stopped bothering to do things perfectly and to be perfect in everything.

When I stopped being perfect, I stopped being dissapointed. It was hard in the beginning but as the time passed it gave me peace. I realized, the peace of mind is more precious than perfection. Progress is more important than perfection. Getting stuck in the midway due to absence of perfection is stupidity. Submitting an imperfect assignment is better than not submitting the assignment. A complete project with some flaws is better than an incomplete project.

Being a puppet of perfection is not worth it.

The dumb truth: Self abuse

I recently discovered that people have tendency to not only abuse others but also themselves. Sometimes people don’t realize that they are abusing themselves. It’s just that they are unaware. They just don’t know that whatever they are doing to themselves is an abuse.

Now, I am not that aware of what all things can be included in self abuse but there are certain things that I think are self abuse. For example, if you put yourself down and you keep telling yourself that you are capable of nothing ,it is self abuse. You are abusing yourself mentally. Consider another example, when some people tell you that you are worthless and you believe them. You believe them to an extend that you start to lose confidence, it is self abuse. Okay here is one more example, if you harm yourself physically e.g cut yourself, slap yourself etc when you are angry or when you are upset etc, you are abusing yourself physically.

Words that people around you speak have the power to make you feel bad or good about yourself. Words spoken especially by the people you love or the people who love you (or claim to love you) are more impactful than the words spoken by the outsiders. People can make you abuse yourself and it’s quiet natural that you won’t even realize that they are doing so. Being unaware of self abuse is more dangerous than the self abuse itself.

There are enough people out there to discourage you, abuse you, put you down and do what not. So kindly be gentle with yourself. Be humble, show some humility to yourself. Be the hand you need to hold, be the shoulder you need to cry on, be the ear you need to listen to you, be the cup of coffee you need to soothe yourself, be the breeze you need to calm yourself, be everything you need.

Nobody can save you from self abuse except you.

Weird: Failing feels good

Did you read the title ? Well, that’s exactly what I mean. One part of me works hard, very hard to get the success. But after all the hard work when I fail, the other part of me is glad. I don’t get it, why? Why is that part of me is happy about it!

It’s weird how I work on a poem, drawing, assignment for hours and put all my brain in it, but some part of me refuse to take part in the hardwork. I have to drag that part to the workplace and force it to do what I am doing to sucessfully complete the task. That part does its job but secretly wishes I fail at the task.

When I fail in a particular task, it makes me feel really bad, but at the same time not that bad because some part of me is happy about it. It sounds devilish, doesn’t it? This has been happening to me since quiet a long time now. I don’t know how to stop feeling happy about my failures. I just don’t want to feel this way.

I think the part of me which is happy about my failures is my demon. It’s the devil. Or else why would someone be happy about their own failures? Nobody wants to fail, right? It’s not that I can’t take failures or something, but feeling good about it is weird for me. I am okay with losing the race or not being able to complete the project on time etc but the feeling! The feeling of satisfaction after failing is, Nah, I don’t even have a word for telling exactly how I feel.

I am trying to figure out ways to stop feeling this way. I couldn’t find one yet. I hope to find it soon in near future.

Late night thoughts: DSPS

It’s past midnight and I can’t sleep. I tried sleeping early. I tried keeping away my phone and I managed to keep it away for about 2 hours. I failed. Nothing worked. I don’t know what should I do. I need to learn to sleep early and make it a habit forever. I keep making and breaking the habit of going to bed early.

I need to get up early and stay awake. Going to bed late and waking up late is messing up with my daily routine. Last month I suffered DSPS (delayed sleep phase syndrome). Trust me it’s bad. Its name might seem fancy but it sucks. Basically in this syndrome, you go to sleep later than usual. In my case I used to go to sleep around 10:30 pm to 11 pm but due to DSPS my sleep cycle delayed to 2 am. I was falling asleep exactly or around 2 am in the morning. Although I wasn’t sleep deprived but this change in timing was hindering my daily chores. I was so frustrated. It made me mentally and emotionally agitated.

Those were bad days and I am scared that those days might come back.When I was suffering through DSPS, I tried various things to make myself fall asleep early. I tried keeping my phone away, failed. I tried to stay awake and work out early in the morning, failed. I tried working out just before going to bed so that I feel exhausted and fall asleep easily, failed. I tried the light therapy, it helped a little bit. In the light therapy you are exposed to the light as soon as you wake up and you are supposed to be in the light throughout the day. Its purpose is to reset your circadian rhythm by telling your brain,” it’s lots of light out there and you are supposed to keep the body awake”. And when it’s dark you are supposed to switch of all the lights in the room and stay in dark to tell your brain, “it’s dark out there and you are supposed to set the body to sleep”. You don’t need any professional help (at least I think so) for the light therapy. You just need to keep all the windows and doors open and let as much sunlight as possible in and keep the lights on during the day and it does its job. Well, afterwards I tried drinking warm milk before going to bed and miraculously it worked! It worked from the day one. I was so surprised and relieved. Hush!

But today again I can’t sleep.

Mr. Enthusiasm where are you?

I have a lot of things to do but no enthusiasm. I have a book to write, a language to learn, exams to study, skills to develop but no enthusiasm to begin anything. Where do I find it?

Under the bed? Below the table? Inside books? In motivational videos? Or in speeches I don’t like to listen to?I don’t know, man! SOS

I need help. I don’t know whom to ask for it! I am so lost. I don’t know what I am doing, where I am heading. I don’t know where will I end up and how will I end up there!

And it’s not only about the things I want to do or need to do but it’s also about the things I ought to do like brushing my teeth, eating my meals, going to sleep, waking and staying up. I find no enthusiasm to do any of these things.

Damn!

But the interesting thing is I don’t know how do I lost it and where do I lost it! I just lost it and by the time I realized I have lost it, it was gone far away. Now, it’s nowhere to be seen.

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